It's about the one year mark of discovery of Aislinn’s abuse by a home healthcare registered nurse. Not something I will be celebrating...not something Aislinn is healed from...not something I am healed from. Damn it!
Over the last year much energy has been spent seeking and applying ways or different methods to put the horrendous events behind us. I am not sure we will ever be 100% healed.
The guilt is insurmountable. The nightmares still haunt me at night. Flashbacks of the videos are imprinted in my brain forever running like the scariest horror film. I cry easily. I am spent.
I can talk about it freely now that justice has been served in the eyes of the judicial system. Some how probation, a few hundred hours of community service, psychological evaluation, and VOLUNTARILY surrendering her license as a register nurse is justice. With a box of tissues handy or a warm hug, I share the crippling journey with those curious enough to ask. Chocolate is a must too.
I recently spent time with several beautiful families with the same genetic miscoding that Aislinn endures everyday. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania is such a lovely place. Aislinn would have loved holding hands, giggling or having dinner with her special friends like Olivia, Leila, Layla and Bryson. She would have beamed with excitement if she'd had the opportunity to met sweet Hunter, Owen, Sofia, Torri and the others. Aislinn would have enjoyed her first time on a river boat listening to someone tell us about Pittsburgh. I missed my family dearly over the 48 hours I was gone. I am heartbroken that the time and money that was not available for my family to come because resources have been redirected to care for Aislinn.
I am terrified of ever hiring another nurse. My trust in the system has been taken away from me. The guilt that I failed to protect Aislinn from the abuse looms over me like a heavy cloud of steel. I am in survival mode dragging myself through the day. I am weathered and beaten like an old shed or broken path.
I am stuck. Word to the wise, do your own background check my beautiful tribe!
This year, I missed the beloved fundraising bicycle ride through Copper Mountain because I have been robbed of time and energy for training and more. My five year riding streak has been broken. This year, $10s of thousands of dollars were raised by my beloved teammates for a special project in hopes of treating tired mitochondrial.
I carry so much guilt. I am hoping with some help I might see things differently. I have lost so much. I am exhausted, but some how, I "grin and bear it" with coveted conversions with my sparkling diamond friends. You know who you are...
In love and strength,
(Mom to 10 year old Aislinn living with GRIN1)